A Time of Discovery......

Ok, so for some reason I feel like reliving the first part of my surgery.  I have been through alot of emotional ups and downs and maybe I haven't portrayed them as well as I should have, for my sake.  When I first found out about this cancer, all I could say was "I am tough, and I will surely make it through this."  As time went on, I was doubting myself and wondering if I was indeed as tough as I had given myself credit for.  I went into surgery thinking, ok, in about 6 months I will be back to my normal self and living my normal life, just as I always have.  Little did I know, my normal would no longer exist.  I remember waking from surgery, feeling like crap and all the doctors and nurses coming in smiling at me wanting to know how as was doing.  Well, I felt like I had been run over by an 18 wheeler, but they were expecting that.  I knew that I had been through a bigger ordeal than what they had led me to believe, just by all the tubes and the pain in my body.  I knew at that moment, my life had been stripped away.

I wouldn't look at myself in the mirror for days, about 6 to be exact.  I felt like a monster.  I never felt that I was beautiful by any means, but I knew I looked half way decent.  But that wasnt me anymore.  Everyone kept saying, it will be ok and in time you will be back to what you once were.  Do you think I believed anyone?  Heck no, because all I saw was a monster.  Everytime the doctors came in and said, "Oh, you are looking really good."  I wanted to shove their stethoscopes somewhere really unpleasant.  How could they look at me and say that.  And of course, my parents, my sister, and my aunt would say the same thing.  I couldn't even think that I looked good, I saw myself and that image was burnt in my mind.  Not to mention, what would my kids think?  Would they be scared of their mom now?  I couldn't get the thought in my head that it would heal and look better, because the person I saw in the mirror blocked out all other thoughts.

I could see the changes when I got home.  I could tell things were getting better but there was no way I was believing when people would say, "This too shall pass, it will get better."  I really got sick of hearing it because that image in my head was not going to dare let me think it.  After time, things were getting better and doctors were impressed my progress.  But here comes radiation and chemo.  I will have to admit, in the beginning I started to feel better and had a little hope.  I also had my moments of depression, due to missing my old life. After my treatments, I was warned that radiation was the gift that kept on giving after treatments were finished.  I started having several complications which included my sodium levels dropping dangerously low.  I spent several weeks, on and off, in the hospital trying to get me back.  I could hardly get out of the bed and the thought of even trying to get nutrition in had me running to the bathroom sick.  With my moms insistence, you cannot ever tell my mom no---it doesn't work, we stayed at the hospital until they got me well.

I knew I was down, but I started taking a good look within myself and knew I was falling into a depression.  I had some friends and family suggest support groups, maybe even counselors.  I did know myself to know, these groups would not help.  I am a person whom works out my problems within myself, no matter what anyone else said.  Bless my sisters heart, she had numerous talks with me about the person I am.  I tried to fight what she was saying, because honestly, I didn't feel like that person anymore.  Well, I finally came to the realization, I may not look like that person anymore, but I still am that same person in the inside.  I have to just dig deep and bring that person back to life because she got pushed away in all this mess, maybe hid from having to deal with all this cancer crap.

Well, it leads to the present.  I am trying to find me again, and I will, but it will take time because although the same me is inside, I have changed also.  Once I am on the final road of recuperation, I will live my life differently.  If my past life has taught me nothing else, it has taught me that you never know what lies ahead and your whole life can change in a second.  I know this sounds cliche, but once you have it happen to you, you truly appreciate it.  I will soon have my surgery to have my thyroid taken out and my tongue shaved down so that my voice will be back to normal and I will actually be able to eat again.  So, although I have had to fight physically, this emotional battle has been a whole lot more intense.

I really appreciate all the thoughts and prayers that have gone out for me, please keep them coming.  I have come a long way, but I still have many more miles to travel.  God has carried me this far, he surely won't drop me now.

God Bless and Love Always!

Stacy