Wow, what a bumpy ride!!

Well, I am currently on my 11th radiation treatment and on Monday I have my 3rd chemo.  I believe this stuff was made for torture chambers.  Seriously, I have experienced many ups and downs so far, and I am just getting started.  My doctors have informed me to make sure that I get plenty of rest, which isn't too hard since there are times when I fall asleep sitting up, get proper nutrition, follow through with treatments, enjoy family and friends and have No Stress.  Ok, so let me sum this up.  I have already told you about my sleeping habits and as far as nutrition goes---well, thank god for the feeding tube.  Everything taste like crap (and that is putting it lightly) and if it doesn't then it makes me nauseated.  Then I have to make sure I follow through with treatments.  I make them everyday and haven't started throwing tantrums yet.  Enjoy friends and family---isn't it funny that you don't realize how many times that involves eating--which I can't do.  And of course, what all doctors say all the time, No Stress.  Yeah, that is an easy one.  Maybe I need to look into yoga!  LOL  The doctors are pretty much all impressed with my healing.  My leg is completely healed and my arm is looking better and better all the time.  My tongue is still extremely swollen, which radiation doesn't help any, but the stitches are gone and it kind of looks like a yin yang symbol, but of course isn't black. :)  So, all in all, I am kicking this cancers butt, this far anyway.  The doctors did warn though, my worst weeks are right around the corner with radiation and chemo, so I guess it gives me something to look forward to.

That was my physical state.  My emotional state has seen many twists and turns.  It is funny how many different emotions you can feel at one time once you stare death right in the face.  At one point, I was very child like, to the point I couldn't take care of myself, especially like I was used to.  Then all of a sudden I would feel one ounce of independence again and I would grab at it so quickly that, at the moment, it didn't matter who was in the way or what I had to do to obtain it.  You never realize how much in life you take for granted whether it be being able to grab a burger from Mcdonald's and eat in the car or just having enough energy to take care of everything that you used to take care of.  I really appreciate everything that everyone has done to help me and everything that some continue to do.  It is just so hard to let go of everything that seems to make you an adult.  I didn't realize how much I value my adulthood until now.  I want to be able to do everything I did before but somewhere I do know, that I need to let loose and let others help without thinking they are trying to take over my life and take my independence away.  I guess no one will realize how fast you can feel stripped of  this unlesss it happens to you, and in my case it seemed to happen overnight.

Ok, so I am going to get off my soapbox for now.  I just would like for others to know some of the emotional baggage that comes along with this.  I'm not trying to make excuses but this is what I go through on a daily basis.  Now, you may wonder, why I am not in some deep depression if I have these emotions.  Well, along with all this, I still have prayer.  Prayer is a daily routine and will be a lifetime ritual because I thank God each and every day that I am here and doing as well as I am.  I  hope you all will forgive me for not keeping this thing updated as much as possible, but sometimes I am just really tired.  But all of you are always in my thoughts and prayers.
God Bless,
Stacy